My Life has changed
I don’t know for the better or the worse
It has, that’s all that really matter
And it’s all I really crave.
Stuck is the word for me
For my life has been a prison
A cage
I feel trapped inside it
Like a tiny helpless bird.
This bird was so full of energy
Listening to stories of the spider
Who climbed the wall the 21st time.
She is tired of this energy
It has been exhausting to constantly
Being in the circle of trials & failures
Hopes & crashes.
The crushingly heavy weight of self motivation
Coupled with determination
And the light & unpleasant aftermath
Of a massive heartache, hard blown
Like a tight slap across the face
Waking up to the reality of things the way they are.
There is a silence in my heart
Serenity that is grinding inside
A peace that breaks me inside out
Churning my instincts
To question my presence.
To question the value of my existence.
I was an open book & that I regret lately
I want it to be closed forever
Chapters forgotten
Prayers unanswered
Words unspoken
Feelings unexpressed
Need to diminish my actuality to the point
Where my existence as a being ceases.
No, it’s not self assassination,
But only a process of self transformation
Transforming back to the state where
I was nothing but air.
Air & dust is not the same thing.
Dust is the future, air is the past.
I want to be that part of the past where
I wasn't the bird, or the book, or the trapped soul
But, only air.
That cannot be caged.
That cannot & need not be read.
That cannot be trapped.
That no one can see.
